Valentine's conundrum

For some this day brings a spark of romance to the otherwise dreary month of February, giving you an excuse to celebrate or wallow. 



The only heart shaped thing I will want this Valentine's

I however am not a Valentine's person, regardless of my relationship status. The years that I do have another half I have found myself being made to feel guilty, by friends single or otherwise, into doing something valentines related. 

Then the years I have been single I have found myself subject to questions about my single status. 

That's not to say that there have not been fun valentines days. One of my favourite memories of college of law invoked my housemate and I throwing a faux romantic night for one another then splashing in puddles on the knavesmire. Or there was the year when I went to sleep whilst being serenaded via FaceTime. 

And whilst these are great memories they would still be great memories if they were connected to another day of the year.  I do not really want grand gestures because there is an expectation of one. Instead I value the smaller day to day actions that build long and lasting relationships. 

One example is how my Dad and brother bring my mum and sister in law a cup of tea whilst in bed every morning. It's part of their rituals of love that show that they care.

I am not enamoured with valentines and the boy is mentally allergic to romantic gestures and public displays of affection. Fortunately we are on the same page and have agreed that we won't do Valentines (I also don't do anniversaries mainly because I can never remember them).

So why do I have a conundrum regarding valentines this year. It's because the Boy and I got a very good deal on a stay in New York over the valentines weekend. It's fine to be a non valentines conformist at home but in a foreign city it's a bit more difficult. 

We know that we will need to have something organised to do otherwise we could end up aimlessly wondering around to find everywhere is fully booked

So what to do?

We looked into what we could do that would not be monopolised by couples, hearts and general glittery pinkness. Due to watching too many new york based movies over the years we knew that a long walk along the Hudson or through Central Park was out. As was ice skating anywhere, a concert, the opera, the ballet, booking into a foodie restaurant or finding a cocktail bar with a view.

We came up with a short list which included going to the theatre (early or child appropriate), finding a non romantic place to eat (think diner and fast food), going to a sports game, finding a gig (not a concert), picking an action movie or thriller at a cinema.

So what have we settled on? Well for that you will have to wait and see when I get back.

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A little bit about dating

I am catastrophically bad at dating. You literally have to use the word date when asking me out for me to realise that I am being asked out in the date otherwise I just assume that I am meeting up as friends. Fortunately I have (very patient) friends who will point these things out to me as they laugh at my stupidity.

The thing about dating is that often your friends will tell you what they think you want to hear and sometimes they give you little gems of advice that really should be shared with the world. Well this is a post all about those little pieces of invaluable advice.

1. Never arrange a first date for a Friday or Saturday Night
From the mouth of L this actually makes quite a lot of sense when you break it down. You never know how a first date will go, whilst it might be filled with non stop conversation and laughter you could equally find yourself opposite someone who is so painfully shy they can not talk. Do you really want to waste a weekend night on someone you may not want to invest in?
Taking that one step further arranging a date on a day you typically spend with friends means that you are not investing in those friendships that will be there even if you date does not turn into something more.
Lastly the benefit of a weekday date is that if something does not click or you know it is a none starter you can always the excuse that you need to get up early to extradite yourself.

2. If you would text a friend text the person you are dating
I can not count the number of hours that my friends have spent debating whether they should text the object of their affections or not. Will it be seen as too needy or too much- what is the correct etiquette?
Dating is ultimately auditioning for a best friend that you want to kiss and potentially see naked. It should not really be seen as more complicated than that, so if you are questioning whether or not you should text a potential other half apply the test of if it was a friend would I text?
Ok so if you are a planner and the other person likes to make plans off the cuff you will need to amend your expectations but can you honestly say that all of your friends have the same approach to communication that you do? Which brings me to the next point...

3. You cannot hold someone you are dating to a higher standard than you would your friends they are not superman/woman or a living embodiment of God
People mess up; you do, your friends do, your family does, your boss does, your teachers did, the sales girl who accidentally put your new toothbrush through the check out twice does. It happens.
Do you cut of every friend that messes up? I hope not because the world will quickly become a rather lonely place if you do. No instead you work out if it's a deal breaker (ie did they hit you or emotionally abuse you?) and then you either get over it or your friendship is affected. Just because you are dating someone romantically does not mean that they are automatically elevated above human status, there is no such thing as the perfect person.

4. Not every relationship works out
And thank goodness otherwise I might have ended up marrying several men who were wrong for me and I was wrong for them. Just as not everyone you meet will become your friend so to not everyone you date will be the person you end up with. adjust because it does not work out with one person it does not mean you will always be alone.
It also does not mean that you failed as a human being if the relationship does not work out and to be honest if you know the relationship is not right and will not work out you are better off ending if sooner rather than hanging for dear life.

5. There is no such thing as closure
How many times have you been sat with a friend who is questioning what went wrong in a relationship and they lament the lack of closure. You know that big mammoth discussion with other person in which they exactly the right thing to help you move on. Well it doesn't exist, why because no one will be able to say anything exactly the why you do or the way you rehearsed the conversation in your head.
Everyone has different ways of communicating and what would seem a perfectly bland word to one  person may be a trigger to another. We are not actors in life so there is no one feeding us perfectly phrased epic sentences filled with beautiful sentiments and therefore you are unlikely to receive the response you desire.
Plus sometimes it's impossible to communicate why you reached a decision that you did and being asked to verbalise something you can not explain to yourself if impossible.

6. If if does go wrong, kill with kindness
We have all been there you are out with a friend and they see their ex, you know the one who cheated on them with their cousin, and your friend ends up sashaying over to the ex with a bitchy attitude. What then follows involves a glass of wine being slammed, a series of lines rehearsed from mean girls, a table of dumb founded men, a raised voice that escalates into a full on scream and tears as an encore.
Yes he did wrong but in this scenario he looks like the socially embarrassed party as people around you gawp and stare, and your friend looks like a mess.
Instead adopt the approach that just because they were, in this example, a lying cheating scumbag, that does not need to affect your friends behaviour because they have actually done nothing wrong.
Killing with kindness is really about behaving beyond reproach, that does not mean that you should be a door mat or not speak out if something is wrong, but it does mean that you should move on and not hold on to hurt. After all you be much more likely to regret letting someone go who was always kind and reasonable towards you than the person who took every opportunity to shout at you.

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